Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize