saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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