I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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