New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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