I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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