College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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