Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The dick lei will go down in squad history
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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