Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
