Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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