I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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