I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
