I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
