I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
