some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize