i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
