She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
