We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
