phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
