I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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