The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
