do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
