i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
