Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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