Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
