We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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