You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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