my phone needs a breathalizer
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
