hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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