Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
