She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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