Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
