I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
