I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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