You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
