Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
