4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
