Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Please don't give away my fajitas
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
