Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
