what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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