am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
