wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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