Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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