Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
