I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
