My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
