So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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