I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
