When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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