Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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