Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize