I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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