She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
