Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize