i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
