I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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