70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
