Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
