apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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