I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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