and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
