haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
